The Prescription I wish I could write

After the first day of being able to offer people a sense of control and relief (in addition to medical care of course), I couldn't wait for the second day. We got there and helped sit in on a few of Dr. Gina's patients before she got a family that she felt would benefit from talking to me for some time. I agreed to talk to them and we went upstairs to speak privately. It was a mom and her two daughters. I went through a similar routine that I had the day before with patients and the mom told me that she was worried about her oldest daughter being traumatized after the earthquake and the actions of the youngest one even before the earthquake had her worried. I started with the oldest daughter who told me that she was scared ever since the earthquaked I asked her if she would feel comfortable talking about what happened. She told me that she wanted to talk about it and began telling me about her experience. When the earthquake hit she was in school and as soon as the ground began to shake she heard loud noises and ran toward a door where she got trampled in a stampede and someone sat down on her chest. She pushed them off of her and heard a classmate tell her to jump out the window that he would catch her. She did and he stayed true to his word catching her as she fell. After she fell, the building collapsed killing her twin sister who was still inside. I told her that was a terrible experience but she was so lucky to be alive. She told me she has God to thank for her living but sometimes she feels guilty about being the one that lived and she misses her sister. I talked to her about some things before moving on to her sister who wouldn't talk and the mother had to talk for her. The mother told me that even before the earthquake the little sister was hearing voices and disappearing from school. She was worried because the daughter was so sad and would try to throw herself in front of traffic to commit suicide so the mom started keeping her home from school to keep a closer eye on her. I reassured the. mom that was a good choice and tried to tell the daughter how lucky she was to have people in her life who cared for her that way. She just kept spitting into a bag (Dr. Gina examined her and said that was more of a nervous tick rather than anything else). The mom than told me how the kids' father left her and doesn't pay her any money and she has no job and n't always know how to feed her kids. I asked her if there was any job she thought she might be able to get or any friends or support group who could help her and she said no that she would sweep the streets if she could. That was when Doucette, who was translating turned to me and said, "Do you know what you're doing here? Do you understand this is a class thing and you need to watch what you say? While your at it, you need to watch your facial expression, it will make things worse if you show emotion." I told her that I understood and I asked her what do I say? "I honestly don't know what to say but I know that I need to say something I'm just drowning here I don't know what to say." Doucette just said to me, I don't know this is your show figure something out quick. I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to talk about and I reassured her that I was here to listen, that's when she asked me for help to feed her and her kids and help her find a betterso they weren't living in a condemned house anymore. I wanted to say yes so badly. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her it would be ok but I couldn't help her. I didn't have the money to do that and if I helped her I would have to feed everyone and I don't know how to do that. I also knew what Doucette was saying, that in order to find a job she had to know people and I had to know people to help her because that's how things work around here. All I could say was that I couldn't but I hoped that things worked out well for her and I was here to listen if she wanted to talk more in the weeks to come. It was a horrible way to end things, I knew it, Doucette knew it, and the family knew it. I kept a blank face when we went downstairs but then I told Doucette and Dr. Gina that I left something upstairs and I would be right back. I went upstairs, found a corner, and just lost it. I couldn't keep a straight face anymore I just started crying once I knew no one could see me. Third day there and I broke, I felt like such a failure. I couldn't believe that this family had it so bad and there was nothing I could do. I just wanted so much to wave a magic wand and make things right for them but unofrtunately it doesn't work that way.

I recomposed myself enough to go downstairs and put my sunglases on. The red face would be masked by the heat and the sunglasses to hide my eyes so that no one would know that I had been crying. I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to see anyone else I just felt like I probably made things worse and that was exactly what I didn't do. When Doucette got me alone she was just like you can't do that you can't just say good luck and she started yelling at me how she never wanted to have to translate that again. I told her I know I just didn't know what to say, what do you say to that? She had no answer to that questiy she on but told me that better not happen again. I could tell she felt bad hearing the story too and that's probably why she was upset with me. I told her how I felt useless and I honestly wanted to just talk about it later because I didn't want to lose it again. I pulled up my sunglasses and she backed off. We didn't talk about it I just had to keep on working so that's what we did and in all honesty that is probably what made the day easier. When I threw myself into work I didn't have time to sit and think about the look on the mother's face or the daughters' faces. We went to another clinic that Dr. Joey runs (he runs a lot of clinics in some of the poorest areas around Port Au Prince). When we got there everything was medically oriented and that was more than ok with me. Doucette translated while I took inventory of the makeshift pharmacy and interacted with kids while running prescriptions back and forth. I told myself the day was salvaged because we were able to bring free medical care to many people in need who would otherwise have no access to a doctor or medicine but that only worked until I slowed down. I didn't sleep much that night because when I closed my eyes I saw their faces when I told them I couldn't help them and I started crying again. I was able to talk to my Mom who told me she understood it was sad but it was a lesson I had to learn that I couldn't fix everything and she was sorry that I had to learn it earlier than a lot of people but that it was important to learn. Somehow that didn't help. I still wanted to fix it and I was frustrated. I knew that I had to push that out of my mind to get through the next days but that was so much easier said than done. I am able to think about them now and not burst into tears but re-typing the story still makes me tear up. What has gotten me through it most is talking a bit with Dr. Gina who said to me I know I felt the same way when I sent them to you and knowing that we couldn't fix her world instantly. I asked Dr. Gina if it would be ok if from now on I counseled with her in the room because having an extra team member would help and we could tag team to help better control our own emotions. I liked this idea and two heads are better than one. She told me that she knew enough to ask certain questions but it would make her feel more comfortable to have me there because sometimes I covered things she didn't think to ask. Ever since that realization we have been a great team and I haven't had another day like that but there have been plenty of times where we have said out loud to one another, I wish we could just write a prescription for a job, clean water, food, and shelter but we can't. Often that's what these people need and telling me their problems doesn't fix their empty bellies or lack of a steady income to get things they need and want. So sometimes I feel completely useless but it helps that we are also doing medical work because sometimes we are able to give them water or food with medications so that we can at least provide temporary relief but I still wish we had a more permanent solution.

My saving grace was that the next day went so unbelievably well that I was able to use that to keep me going.